Compare and contrast the following
A: Thank you for your patience as my missives haven’t been posting according to the timeline I originally set for myself.
B: I’m so sorry, my work has been crazy overwhelming on top of some family stuff happening, and I just can’t seem to get my missives posted when I hope to. I’m so, so sorry.
One of these statements is about the speaker. One is about the addressee.
One of these statements is a demand for forgiveness, while the other bestows gratitude and benevolence.
Try this:
A: I’m so sorry that I keep leaving half-drunk cups of coffee and tea all over your house.
B: Thank you for your forbearance with my habit of abandoning half-full teacups wherever I happen to be drinking them when they’ve gone cold.
Something about apologizing invites a word salad that always sounds like a lame attempt at excuses. It places a burden on the listener and casts the speaker in an unflattering light of coming up wanting.
But also, we are a sorry culture.
We apologize for all manner of things, most of which aren’t our fault.
We are sorry for ourselves. “I’m sorry I just saw this text.” “I’m sorry, I don’t have the exact change.”
We’re sorry for each other. “I’m sorry your flight was 4 hours late.” “I’m sorry you’re sick.”1
We’re sorry for things beyond our control. “I’m sorry, I can’t. I have work.” “I’m sorry that happened to you.” “I’m sorry your team lost.”
We’re sorry when confronted with others’ peccadillos. “I’m sorry, I think I was next in line.” “I’m sorry, but I ordered the vegan salad, and this is a rare hamburger with bacon.”
This is far from the norm in many parts of the world—in fact, non-native English speakers are often confused by our preponderance of apologies for occurrences beyond our control. Some view it as a weakness, others view it as constant admission of guilt. It is rarely taken as a sign of compassion or concern.
It’s such a natural part of our language, we don’t even question it. It’s a verbal crutch, like like or um. But are we really even sorry?
Are we actually feeling distress, especially through sympathy with someone else's misfortune? Are we feeling regret or penitence?
Maybe. Perhaps.
Especially if we are female. Women are more likely to apologize for everything, all the time: for speaking up, for speaking out, for not speaking, for looking for a different size, for having an idea, for having a better idea, for asking for clarification, for asking for anything.
We apologize for apologizing.
Things I am absolutely not sorry for and am trying very hard to not apologize for:
Asking people to repeat what they’ve said because one of my ears is broken and I can’t hear them
Wearing a mask
Expecting others to wear a mask
Not having correct change
Taking a few extra seconds to put change back in my wallet
Seeking clarity
Clarifying my needs/wants
Asking for help
Asking for anything
I am on a quest to stop apologizing for all the things. Like so much of what we talk about here with our daily practice, it begins with an awareness of how often it truly happens. Sure, I occasionally owe a heartfelt “I’m sorry” for infractions against other humans, but so many misplaced I’m sorrys can be expressed with a better selection of words. I aim to identify what’s at the root of the sentiment and explore how to better communicate it.
I’m ruminating and writing on this topic during a series of flights that was supposed to be a few hours of flying which turned into a full day of airport fun (so glad I packed my own snacks). After pumping myself to go forward as a non-apologetic human I disembarked in my final airport of the day. These are my sole interactions between the jetway and the car:
Bathroom attendant from across the room watching me wash my hands then throw hand towels in a secured trash bin: There is no bag in there.
Me: Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn't know.
Bathroom attendant reaching over to grab a new trash bag: ugh. I’ll get it.
Baggage agent: Ok, I’ll need the address to deliver your bag when it arrives tomorrow.
Me: [pauses longer than feels comfortable] it’s four four—
Agent: not now. I’m not ready.
Me: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Two small exchanges, neither one representing any intentional infraction on my part, and yet, I still take ownership for where they went awry. As the sorrys tumbled out of my mouth, I recognized their complete lack of value to everyone involved. But also, how automatic those words are in my response to anything.
I know I’m not alone.
So, not sorry to say, I’m going to be calling all of us out now. Thank you for understanding I’m not attacking any of us, just making us aware.
It’s still, and always, appropriate to be sorry for another’s grief and loss.
I'm sorry to bother you... this is such a fantastic and insightful post that I can so relate to. I find myself apologizing more times than I can count each day. "I'm so sorry you misunderstood my order", or "I'm sorry you parked so close to my car that you now have to slam into it to get out". And yes, it is much more prevalent among women. Almost feels like we are apologizing for the inconvenience of our existence. Thank you so much for reminding me to stop saying I'm sorry, and to save it for when it is truly appropriate!!
Perfect post as I am feeling sad for Marsha, Molly, and Abby Lieberman—Bruce has been frail for some time but hospice and death…so so hard. I am so sorry for human mortality, sorry for the pain that is the cost of loving someone, and sorry that Savannah has lost another benevolent spirit.